Facebook, Twitter, and the Fall of Thought

Modern technology truly is a blessing. We can communicate with loved ones from halfway around the world, look up any factoid at will, and accomplish a multitude of other mind numbing feats.

However, one has to wonder what has been lost. The great thinkers, prior to modern marketing techniques, must have been so much more focused. Imagine no internet, mobile phones, television. Not such a bad thought.

If Tolstoy was twittering would War and Peace ever have been written? What if Dostoyevsky was too busy updating his Facebook status to pen Crime and Punishment?

Are we living in the era of anti-thought? It seems as though there are so many stimuli in the digital world that we don’t have to think anymore. We chew and swallow. Consume and digest.

Defying Death Before Taking A Dump

An average day for me in Bangkok is, well, not so average. I begin my day completing the three Ss' (Shit-Shower-Shave; minus the first one, that comes later). I'm required by time constraints to accomplish this feat in less than 20-minutes, which is trying, but essential. Otherwise, I'll be forced to endure a balls deep subway ride in a pool of human flesh, some of which permeates animal byproduct stank. Although, I also occasionally enjoy an inadvertent uni-girl groping.

A quick moto ride to the subway station, a quick smoke, and a saunter through an open air market, brings me to the subway. The subway ride usually lasts 10-mins. Then, the quickest way to work is of course another moto ride. There are two places from which to catch a ride. One is usually 15 people deep, under a shanty, and I'm usually the only male. The other is on a curb with only a few people in line. Thank god I discovered this god send.

This ride is relatively fucking psychotic compared to the first one. Imagine eight lanes of grid locked traffic, flowing in alternating directions with hundreds of motos weaving in and out of the metal mass. I hang on for dear life and clinch my metaphorical bible on this one.

Nevertheless, I usually make it to work on time, albeit sweaty and somewhat deranged, but always thankful. For the first two hours I look extremely busy, when in fact I am doing absolutely nothing constructive. Then it hits me. Pangs, not pangs of hunger, but pangs of having to take a massive shit.

I've always been disappointed with my bodily functions. I would prefer to take a dump in the privacy of my own abode. However, my biological clock will not allow me the pleasure of privacy and the privilege of using an Asian ass washer. It's like it takes my bowels two hours to warm up.

My choice of dump locations is entirely contingent upon what I consumed the night before. If it's sushi, then I use the public toilet with the much higher grade toilet paper that is specially suited for mud dumps. If its a highly fibrous food, then the staff restroom with a much more coarse grain of TP is acceptable.

Although, not preferred, because someone once turned out the lights and I had to wipe my ass while holding a lighter. After the duty is done, I have a cup of coffee, and pretend to work some more. I can't say this routine is that bad, it makes the work days go quickly, bringing on the debauchery laden weekends with surprising speed.

Reds' Flossin New Stealth Jet

Our Ushanka clad friends have tested an advanced fighter jet designed to match the capabilities of the F-22.

This test comes amid reports that Field Marshall Gates has sacked the dude in-charge of the F-35 program.

This also comes amid news of the anti-missile missile test fail. These Pentagon failures are a direct result of having an African American President, according to Pat Robertson.

Jesus's Fury with Voodoo

Jesus was angry with Haiti because of its ongoing relationship with Voodoo. Several inside sources close to the deity, including the esteemed Pat Robertson, remarked that the magnitude 7.0 earthquake which destroyed the country was caused by Jesus's fury over the penchant for ritualistic practices.

Haiti, the poorest country in the Western hemisphere, remarked "Obviously, conversion to state sponsored Christianity is the only way we can follow in the spiritual footsteps of the United States and prevent catastrophes like this in the future."

Jesus could not be reached for comment, although it is widely speculated that he is planning natural disasters in Holland, Thailand, Brazil, and any nation that promotes freedom of expression.

More Signs of the Climate Apocalypse

Japanese fishing industry stung by plague of giant jellyfish - Times Online

Why Do We Suck?

Why do we suck so bad as a species? Humans collectively are like Ron Jeremy, in that we will fuck anything. The oceans, the forests, and the skies above have thoroughly enjoyed a brutal and often sadistic pillaging. Continue, or perish? Obviously, we've chosen to perish. And that's OK with me.

We deserve extinction, because we're not as smart as we think we are. These big fucking brains have done nothing but help us to seal the fate of our species.

If our stupid monkey friends ran the show, would they fuck shit up as much as we have with less than half the brain capacity? Perhaps, but I argue that they would not be nearly as efficient at doing so. So, here it is; we're fucked.

Your kids, and your kids' kids will inherit a battered, raped, and dying Earth. Fucking Green Peace with Bill Gates' bankroll couldn't get us out of this quandary.

It's important to now take all the bits of your life that are beautiful, tragic, and compelling, and put all that shit in a big stew, let it simmer on high, and create something that will show the toxin laden ancestors of human beings that we were more than the selfish god damned assholes responsible for fucking up the Earth.

From the Wilderness' Peak Oil Blog: Buy Gold

From the Wilderness' Peak Oil Blog: Buy Gold

War Redux

"Saigon was an addicted city, and we were the drug: the corruption of children, the mutilation of young men, the prostitution of women, the humiliation of the old, the division of the family, the division of the country - it had all been done in our name... The French city ... had represented the opium stage of the addiction. With the Americans had begun the heroin phase." -James Fenton, 1985

"We seem bent upon saving the Vietnamese from Ho Chi Minh, even if we have to kill them and demolish their country to do it....I do not intend to remain silent in the face of what I regard as a policy of madness which, sooner or later, will envelop my son and American youth by the millions for years to come." -George McGovern, speech to U.S. Senate, April 25, 1967

Insert Sappy Sentimental Patriotic Post Here

"Further, the process of transformation, even if it brings revolutionary change, is likely to be a long one, absent some catastrophic and catalyzing event - like a new Pearl Harbor." -PNAC I constantly pray for those that lost loved ones on that fateful day.

But wrapping yourself in a star spangled banner and blindly following some elitist twit to the dawn of Armageddon is not the most effective manner of mourning. Follow the light of truth and you will be set free.

Bottom line, without wasting too much valuable time, is that 9/11 was an inside job* and a pretext to secure the second largest remaining oil reserve in the world.

3,000 lives to insure the 'American' way of life is a small price to pay for those that decide our futures, shit more than a million have already died in Iraq.

Being a cynic, wrapped in the tattered shell of an idealist, I know now there's nothing we can do about the status quo.

So, sit back relax, check you're fucking Facebook and enjoy the show, because it's going to be a good one.

*unless you believe an autonomous faction of cave dwelling fundamentalist breached the most sophisticated defense and intelligence network in human history without professional training and or assistance

Tell Me What I Want

Between Google, Facebook, and Chase Bank or whatever parasitic credit company that owns your soul, nothing is secret. These mega-conglomerates no longer deal in tangible goods, but information.

They know what kind of toilet paper you wipe your ass with, whether you prefer pistachio ice cream or rocky road, and if you're a queer punk rocker with a preference for studded anal beads.

These mother fuckers know everything. I'm at a point in my life where I just don't feel like thinking for myself anymore. I tried that and it only causes mental turmoil, hair loss, and hallucinogenic drug use.

I mean, how the fuck else could you cope with a world that is infected with government sanctioned torture, environmental degradation, and Fox reality shows people watch to escape their own shitty, meaningless lives? 

Therefore, I implore Google, Facebook, Chase and whatever Department of Defense data mining program that is monitoring my every digital move, to tell me what I want.

You know more about me than I do, so please just come out and say it, because I'm tired of using this overgrown mass of gray matter for empty introspection.